Oh, Buzz, can you say… by BUZZ

Hi everyone. Buzz here.  Happy 4^th of July!  Hurray for red meat, white bones, and blue biscuits. JK loves this holiday.  It’s America’s birthday. JK fly the flag and so do a lot of other neighbors.   

Maxwell isn’t under the weather but he’s focused on other things, mainly the noise from the fireworks.  Let’s just say that dog will never hunt. Heh. Although I have to admit he’s doing a lot better than he has in the past. Last night, listening to the constant booms and cracks from the neighborhood kids jumping the fireworks gun, he was a little nervous but at least he didn’t run and hide. Probably the nail guns going off incessantly from the construction site across the street have helped.

So I understand that some of you, both human and K9, are looking for a little JRT guidance in all things dog and man.  Puppy's play.  Let’s get started right now.  I have a holiday to celebrate with the fam. Biscuits with whipped topping and sprinkles today!

Oh, Buzz, can you say…

Why that black and white mutt ran across the street from his house and surprised me while I was innocently jogging by with my ipod blaring in my ears? – Pet Peevish
Dear Peeve,
Yeah, K and I saw that whole thing from the front porch.  The leaps and jumps, the excited yelps, the high-pitched yips and barks, the wet spot on the sidewalk... ... while Maxwell just basically quietly stood there. You might want to work on your impromptu lower bass barks. More bulldog or doberman, less chihuahua. Maybe get a karate kick into the jumps. Some bad-azz music on the ipod would help.  JK do apologize. Jog on back, buddy.- Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…

Why my little poodle insists on wearing her leash and collar in our pool?  She simply will not swim without it! When we do our swimming exercises, she jumps right in, but only with a leash and collar! Why?
If you print this, please don’t use my real name. Sign me – Pool Cutie
Dear Ruth,
OK, last I looked, Macy is a JRT, not a poodle. So basically, your question is “How do I get my dog to furry dip.”  Let me ask you: what kind of example are you setting?  You want Macy to furry dip, well…maybe you should remove YOUR 'leash and collar,' so to speak. Now, see how simple that is? –Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…

How I can stop a nosy wiener dog named Bullet from stealing my bones? --South Dakota Jake
Dear SDJ
Sounds like Bullet is bad to the bone.  Yours, anyway! Heh. No, seriously, this is your peoples’ fault.  They’ve been giving you bones that Bullet can lift. What the heck?? They need to give you bones that are actually bigger than Bullet himself.  A dog of your stature could deal with a buffalo femur like it was a chicken wing. And judging by the size of that T-bone your people fed J last summer, which she is still digesting, by the way, they surely have connections to a BBD (big bone dealer). CALL ME when you get that bone. Salivations.   –Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…
Why chocolate is bad for dogs? - Muskateer
Dear Musk,
Man Dog, this story is hard for us. We do love our people but there is some lingering K9 resentment over what went down here.  I learned it from my daddy Windsor, and he from his daddy before him.  When the first cave people tamed the wild wolf, it led them to the cacao bean, the main staple of the wild wolf diet. Upon this discovery, the men cave people were happy to share that bean with the cave wolf, but the cave women went absolutely nuts and took over the bean.

 They rarely even shared with the cave MEN, let alone the wolves. Over time, without cacao, wolves evolved into dogs, whose (I'm sorry to say) sissy systems just can’t handle what is now known as chocolate. We had to become carnivores, and now we get "carob". Oh please. Show me a woman who loves Hershey's Carob, and I'll show you a semi-human. You still see lingering memories and words that have evolved too, involving mankind and K9kind, i.e. “chocolate lab”, “bitch”.  There’s a whole lot more to this story, but this is not the place to tell it. One word: Reparations!! Now I’m grumpy; thanks a lot, Musk. - Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…
Why popcorn is bad for dogs? – Corn Husky
Dear Husk,
I have some good news and some bad news for you, buddy. SIT. SIT. Now, take a look at this picture.

Can you tell what that white stuff is?  Yep. It’s popcorn.  K made some and I felt too comfy to get up, so he served it to me in bed.  It was annoying to have to move my head those few inches; I would have preferred to be hand-fed a kernel at a time, but not gonna happen with K and the Big She. All this to say you have some serious training to do. Your people can be rehabilitated to serve you popcorn, which is very dog-friendly, but it will take patience and perseverance and a lot of silent staring. Pop to it! –Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…
Why, just when my people get to smelling so good, they wash it all off? – Bod Ode
Dear BO,
I know! And have you noticed that the better they smell, the less they pet one another?  I think it’s a warning that they are about to leave us for a few hours. That’s all I can figure out. What a weird ritual, so unnecessary. – Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…

Why that little brown and white dog found my plump leg so, ah, uh, “attractive” at the Christmas party in 2006? **Not that he wasn't very handsome*, but... – Grammy Calf
Dear Grammy’s Calf,
**Added to the letter by Buzz - much more interesting.
Hey, Grammy, you were the only one in a dress. Most women these days are into “slacks”. Slackers.  Sorry, but you and your nylons were just so dang attractive, not to mention that chocolate you were eating. Hubba. –Buzz

Oh, Buzz, can you say…
Why you looked so handsome on your walk yesterday? I'm that schnauzer that kept yipping in the hopes you'd pay attention. But you just kept trotting. Remember?  My man asked if you were a puppy. - Crushin'
                         Dear Crush,

Two words:
Haircut and newcollar. Don't tell Maxwell, but pretty soon I'm going to Pigeon Forge with Macy, and I need to look my best. K is a little iffy about the collar, he's not sure it's "manly" enough, but look, it already made a few sparks fly!  See you around the block, Schnauze.-  Buzz

Well, that’s it for now. Time to celebrate our great country.   J is going to give us a carob cookie, I guess.  **SPIT** Send any questions to Buzz@OhBuzzCanYouSay.com

Or maybe just leave them in the comments section. Maxwell and I are heading for the lake.  Be safe. Be sure to take a siesta.  Stars and Stripes 4^th-ever.